An Important Read

I know I post to the site  Free Range Kids often. Most of the time, I just post the link. But, I know not all of you take the time to click over there. I know not all of you understand why I want my children to be 'free range'. I can't always explain it very well, and many time Lenore (the owner/writer of FRK) or her readers can put it into better words than I can. Here is a great example of a free range child. Especially after losing Garrett last month, this rings especially true.  This is today's post from a mom who wrote into FRK 

Dear Lenore,

We spend a lot of time trying to control for risks in the lives of our children.  We feed them right, we teach them to look both ways, we try devilishly hard to balance exercise and play with rest and work.  But sometimes, despite our careful planning and watching and guiding, things just happen.

Three weeks ago, my 9-year-old daughter collapsed and died, in the space of less than three minutes, from a cardiomyopathy so rare that she was twice as likely to have been struck by lightning. She was ice skating, and having the time of her life.  She never knew what happened and she was gone before I could skate the 20 yards to lift her from the ice.  I’m not telling you this so your readers will all go out and have EKG’s for their kids.  Probably couldn’t detect it if they did, to be candid.

This is, instead, about her life and what it meant.  My father made a remark, while we were still in the hospital and the grief was devastatingly raw.  But it’s sticking with me, and I am finding some solace in it:  “She might only have been nine years old, but she lived 20 years in those nine.”  What he meant was that she had done a lot, experienced a lot and just..LIVED…while she was here.  She rode horses.  She rode motorcycles with her dad (always with proper safety equipment).  She went to old-fashioned church camps where they played in mud pits and made their own slip-n-slides and jumped in the lake and roasted marshmallows on fires with sticks.  She played competitive hockey.  She practiced Karate and Jujitsu.  She rode her bike to her friend’s house, a mile away.  By herself.

Did these activities carry risks?  Absolutely.  Calculated ones.  Ones we could account for and try to control.  Was I worried about her?  Every day.  Every time.  Did I let her do these things anyway?  Yes.

Am I glad I did?  More than you can possibly imagine.

A friend asked me if I had any “unfinished business” with my daughter when she died.  I pondered that question.  Did she know every day, without doubt, that she was loved unconditionally?  I know in my heart she would answer an unequivocal “yes.”    Did she leave this earth, far too soon, but having actually LIVED while she was here?  Yes.  Yes she did.  So no; there was nothing I saw in her life that I regretted for even a moment, save that I didn’t get nearly enough moments with her.  If she hadn’t lived every moment of her life to the fullest, she might have been here longer.  The nature of the disease is that it takes the lives of the active and the athletic faster than otherwise.  But if she’d been here, safe and sheltered, for 20 years, I doubt she would LIVED more than she did in these nine.

This act of living, of raising our children, of balancing risk and reward, is not easy.  And it is, I have learned in the most painful way possible, filled with uncertainty.  But we owe it to our children to teach them to live like every moment is precious.

Because it is.

Keep spreading your message, Lenore.  It’s the most important thing you can do. -

Beth

Clay Turns 4

Clay,

I remember thinking two years ago when you turned two, and Carter was about to turn 4, trying to imagine what you'd be like as a 4 year old. I couldn't imagine it. You still seemed like such a baby. And now, that you're four, I have the same problem with Vivi. Maybe because Carter is the oldest, I can always imagine what he will be like (or you know, what I think he'll be like) in a few years. But for you and your sister, I think you'll always be babies. Is this what Mamas mean when they say "you'll always be my baby"? But, I have two of you since I have one girl baby and one boy baby? Oh, my baby boy.


This year, you have been so much healthier than in years past. Since we've finally figured out the lactose intolerance thing it has made life so much easier. Your gut is still sensitive to what I call 'overindulgence' though. Today was a good example, all the Thanksgiving food and sweets did you in today. I am so sorry. I have such a hard time mediating between letting you enjoy the food you want to eat and holding you back 'for your own good'. Because 'for your own good' isn't a good reason for a 4 year old. You don't seem to believe me when I tell you that you're going to be in some serious pain in a few days if you keep eating this stuff. 'In a few days' is a lifetime away for someone who's four I guess.

You are so sweet, and just love people to love you. You mostly want to snuggle and tell people you love them.

You're very spiritual, I know the Lord is speaking to you. Sometimes it's strange, because I've never heard a 3 (now 4 year old) talk much about Jesus and the Bible. You talk about Jesus very often and tell me the things he says to you. You tell me that you can't hear him in your ears, but in your heart. This is strange to me, because I don't think anyone had ever used that terminology in front of you (hearing Jesus in your heart) before you told me about it the first time.
When our good friend Garrett died last month, you were very concerned - since you were the one with me when I got the phone call...until you asked me, "Is he in Heaven?" When I told you that yes, he was. You told me, "Well then Miss Meg and Beckett will see him again there, mom!" You were no longer sad. You tell me that it will be so wonderful because when you go to heaven one day because your tummy won't hurt anymore and you tell Carter that he won't have headaches anymore. Sometimes you blow my mind and I hope you continue to grow in your relationship with the Lord. I think what you have is special, a gift.

You are such a different child than your brother. You are introverted, but sweet. You are curious, but quiet. You are so smart but you don't announce what you know, until you are certain it is right. You don't have any toy or TV show that your obsessed with like most boys. You don't love trains or cars or optimus prime or dinosaurs. This makes you very hard to shop for. You told me you wanted green balloons, a whoopee cushion, and a basket of kittens for your birthday.
You love, love, love our new kitty, Sansa. Y'all have a special relationship as well because he lets you, and only you, carry him around rag doll style. He is so tolerant of you. He must know that even though you are very rough with him, that you love him so much.

You are so smart and capable. I can't believe you can ride your bike without training wheels already. You are learning to read (and point out familiar sounds in the books we read). You can count pretty high and add single digit numbers.

This year for your birthday we went to Mulligan's, one of those mini golf/arcade/go-kart places. You do really like arcades. You love to play skee ball and you love all that little crap you get to 'buy' with your tickets. Nana and Pop were lucky enough to be here and enjoy the day with us. You had birthday pancakes (complete with sprinkles and icing!) and birthday cake (the next day because we stayed at Mulligan's way too late.)

You are so special and I love you big boy.

Love,
Mama

School

Everyone is off school this week! HURRAY!
I never imagined myself saying this, but I am glad everyone is home this week. Usually, I am more than ready to ship everyone to school for a few hours. But this never ending school schedule wears on me. It's such a pain to wake everyone up EVERY morning, force feed them, get them dressed, shoes on, teeth brushed and out the door. It's really like herding cats. By the time I get everyone corralled into the bathroom to brush teeth, 2 of the three go missing. Or get distracted. Or forget they don't have their shoes on. Or need to pet the cat. Arrg.
It is nice to let everyone wake up on their own this week, eat breakfast at our leisure and not have to get dressed right away. I would have much preferred to sleep in a few minutes myself today but I have been working out with friends at the gym at 5:30 three times a week.

Carter is really loving school (even though he hates the morning routine), and has had perfect behavior the whole year so far. If the kids go all week without moving their smiley face, they get a special Friday badge. Carter has gotten one every week! And he even has a pretty strict teacher. For those of you that have known Carter as a toddler/preschooler you know this is great news. It is not news that Carter has some....impulse control problems.
So I'm thinking that this has caused some of the behavior problems at home. Carter has been having a problem behaving at home some. However, I have a hard time being really hard on him, since I know he is trying his hardest to keep it together at school. I literally think it takes all his energy to keep his impulses under control for the 4 hours at school that he doesn't have a lot left in him by the time he gets home.
But, I will take that. I would much rather deal with impulsive Carter at home then have to deal with the consequences of impulsive Carter at school. I am so proud that he is doing so well there.

Also, we had our first parent teacher conference in October. They have a rule that in order to get his report card, you have to meet with the teacher. I think it's one of the few things this school does right!
His teacher, Mrs. Berglund, said he is doing really well!

In order for him to graduate Kindergarten they have to be 80% proficient in the curriculum. Carter is already at 100% in the first quarter! Even though they haven't covered everything yet, the teacher showed me what they will be required to do by the end of the year, and carter has already been doing those things for awhile.  He had just started reading this summer and he is great with addition. Subtraction takes him a little longer (he can't normally do it in his head right away like addition), and he is able to do all the 'follow the directions on the page' worksheets. She said that he needs to slow down because sometimes his handwriting gets messy (which is true, he tries to blast though his homework and sometimes I make him re-do it just because it's messy). But that seems to be a typical boy problem. I had talked to the teacher about him becoming bored and therefore acting up, but she said that she is well aware of those type problems and keeps them quite busy with changing activities throughout the day. She went over their typical routine and it sounds like even if they are capable of finishing their work quickly, they don't have a lot of time to misbehave.

Clay has been attending Part Day Enrichment at the CDC since the end of September and it's going okay. He spends about 50% of his time there laying in the floor. When I ask Clay why this is he says it's because they don't get to eat there. Which some of you may think, "An almost 4 year old should be able to go 2 hours without eating." But no, Clay almost literally cannot. All of Clay's tummy issues have almost developed into an abnormal relationship with food. He only goes about 25-45 minutes between eating and if you deny him food he will bawl in the floor until you give it to him. This isn't just a normal tantrum. It is screaming and tears and anguish. He can/will not do anything unless he has a full belly. Almost like he's obsessed. You know how when you have a newborn, before you do anything else, you feed them. Before you go to the grocery store: you feed them so they're not hungry while you're shopping. Before you put them to bed: you feed them so they will sleep longer. This is Clay. I have to feed him before and after any event. He thinks about food all day, everyday. His thoughts are always on what his next meal will be. Like he's worried there won't be a next one. It's hard to explain. But it's strange, and the lack of snack at preschool is really worrisome to him. He says he can't play because his tummy is not full. And the teacher confirms that yes, he does spend a good amount of time laying on the floor. Not asleep, just laying on the floor. When the teacher asks Clay what's wrong he tells her, "I just need to lay here, I can't play."

So obviously, this is somewhat disconcerting and we have toyed with the idea of taking him to the big church off base for preschool this spring. The problems is that 1. It's expensive and 2. It's 20 minutes one way, and  the schedule doesn't work out at pick up time since Carter's school and the preschool get out within 10 minutes of each other. Hmph.

I already have Clay enrolled in what I am thinking is going to be a great at home preschool on base for next school year. And this one is 4 hours Monday, Wednesday and Friday (and includes snacks!). So really I just need to find a temporary solution for the spring. Whether that means stick it out at the CDC, or try to find a way to make the church workout I am not sure.

Halloween

Cory was out of town for Halloween so that made for interesting trick or treating.
I was lucky enough to have some friends to tag along with and help me, but it was still chaos. Carter and their oldest daughter were zooming through front porches faster than the rest of us could go. Viv was 2 houses behind, and Clay got *lost* twice because he just got caught up in the wrong crowd. Sheesh.

Lucky for me, the kids were fine with calling it quits after about 10 houses and went back to the house to hand out candy. We were able to sit with our wonderful neighbors, Amy and Kenley and visit for the rest of trick or treating hours. (Trick or treating is allowed between 6-8pm here on base.)

I was proud of myself for gaging candy correctly. I didn't end up with any leftovers, yet I didn't run out too early either. A Halloween success!

Here we have Minnie Mouse, Godzooky, and Darth Vader

Look Who

Is riding their bike!

SETP at Disney 2012

We were fortunate enough to get to go to Disney again this year for the annual SETP conference. We were also fortunate enough to con my parents into joining us again!
We drove down on a Tuesday and did the park with Cory and my parents on Wednesday. My parents and I did the park on Thursday and Friday and we just hung out at the pools at Paradise Pier on Saturday. It is always so crazy to do Disney with kids but even just looking back on these pictures that are only a month and a half old, I am ready to go back again. It was much easier this time than the last time we attended. Really. just because everyone was 2 years older. It makes a huge difference.

Waiting in line for Finding Nemo

We had purposely scheduled our whole morning to catch the Jedi Training at Tomorrow Land. Carter is a die hard Star Wars fan this year and he's got the backpack, lunchbox, and Halloween costume to prove it. Cory rushed Carter up to sit at the front before it began and as they began picking kids to participate, it really looked like they weren't going to pick Carter. Me and My parents were sitting behind at Tomorrow Land Terrace and were getting really nervous that they were going to pass him over. We knew he'd be DEVASTATED if they did, and that we'd have to rearrange tomorrow to try and make it happen again. LUCKILY, they picked him second to last. Whew!
 ~sigh of relief~

Carter as a padawan, waiting for instruction.

When Darth Vader and Darth Mal came out, they kept trying to tempt the kids to join the dark side. I hope I wasn't the only parent secretly nervous that Carter was going to volunteer. I wondered if they had a backup plan for that scenario......

He finally got to test his skills against Darth Vader. 

Waiting for the carousel

Vivi had been talking about "BICKY BOUSE!" All week. She was saying, "Bicky Bouse hold me?" over and over again. But of course, when the time came, she was a little more than skeptical...But here's Carter with Micky. I think Clay was asleep in the stroller.

During our day at California Adventure, we had split up for some reason and my mom had ended up with Carter by herself. He had conned her into buying him a face painting. Well of course when we all met up again, Clay and Vivi saw that Carter had something that they didn't! That Grandma has some nerve! Well, then we all knew what was next......

Here is a well kept secret in a back corner of California Adventure. It's called 'something something, dance party' (or something) and it's a big room with music and cast members and characters. There's comfy chairs that surround the perimeter for the adults and it's all contained and it's AIR CONDITIONED! You sit, your kids dance and it'll be your favorite ride of the whole park.

Carter and Grandpa

Clay and Grandpa

We ended up taking a rest at just the right time and right place at the end of our CA Adventure day. As we were relaxing with a snack, this awesome parade rolled by!

On our last day, we made reservations for my mom's birthday at Goofy's Kitchen! The food was good and it was a buffet. But for some cursed reason, every time I have access to unlimited, good food I am not hungry. But charge me by the ounce, and I'll never get full enough.

Vivi was only afraid of the characters, not the princesses.

Apparently Cory can get her to smile though!

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Apathy

I've been struggling with what to write on here lately. You know, something like a close friend dying really changes your life. I've been so blessed to not have to deal with death much at all. I've had two grandparents die, years ago. But they were old and ailing and it seemed natural. Sad yes, but natural. Having a young, healthy 32 year old friend die doing something your husband does/has done is unnerving. It's scary and it's dramatic, and sad and unbelievable.
I can't imagine how magnified all those emotions are for my dear friend Meg (his wife). I try to understand best I can, but how can you?

While surfing Facebook this morning, I was reminded about how much I don't care about things I used to be so passionate about. Not because of the sudden death of a friend, just in general. Because I'm not in that 'stage' anymore. You know what I mean?

For instance, when I had young nurslings I was extremely passionate about promoting breastfeeding. I wrote blogs about it, posted on FB about it, talked about it at length to anyone who would listen, (ad naseum I'm sure). But being over a year past that stage just gives me almost complete apathy about the whole situation. Like, meh, I still think it's a good idea to breastfeed. And I think there's a lot of misinformation that gets spread or passed down generation to generation. But really, I could care less about what you do with your baby. Now, if you're posting about how you 'can't stand to breastfeed' then also post about all your baby's tummy troubles and switching formulas every 3 days all over FB, it stirs up old emotions about my arguments I would have made 2 years ago. But, mostly I know that if you're that person, you're not going to listen to what I have to say anyway. So, oh well. What do I care?

Another one I used to be really 'nazi-like' with, was car seats. I even took a class on how to install car seats. I had them checked and knew all the rules when Carter was a a baby. But, really after living in Korea, my zealousness just...faded. Maybe it was the loads of kids that hop around in the backseat not strapped in at all over there, maybe it's just, meh. I don't really care what you do with your kid. I still install our car seats properly. And I like to think I'm at least mostly as zealous to buckle my own kids in safely. But, I just really don't care if everyone does. You know? I used to send out e-mails with statistics about how many people installed car seats wrong. I think it was something astounding like 80%. I used to mention to people I didn't even know about car seat safety, yes, like a crazy whack-doodle.

What I'm trying to say here is,  I still care if my children are breastfed or buckled in properly. And yes, I do care about others' children. I'm not a total heartless jerk. It's just that I don't feel passionate about educating the general populace anymore like I used to. I used to feel like I wasn't doing my part as a citizen if I didn't post about it on FB, or talk to strangers about my stance.

But I think that I am SO OVER everyone having some extreme opinion about EVERYTHING. Like, you can't possibly love your self/children unless you have an EXTREME opinion on something and DEMAND that others see your point of view. If they don't see your way, you must have clearly not educated them enough.
We all know someone, or everyone who is super passionate about being vegan, or all organic or obsessed with working out to extremes. We all know the lactivist, or the intactivist.  And I know everyone has good intentions. They feel great or guilty about their own decisions, and they just want everyone to have the same feeling (or in cases of guilt - to be able to bypass that feeling by making the right decision). To have the same benefit. But it just gets SO OLD reading about everyone's platform.

And this isn't to say I'm just laissez faire about everything when it comes to my life, or children. I still have my views and I still believe in what I believe in. But I just DON'T CARE what everyone else does. I don't feel it's my civic duty to persuade everyone, or to educate everyone. I think there's enough people to fill that role these days, which is good. Because I'm tired.