It seems however that a number of circumstances are shooting me through a downward spiral faster than ever.
First of all, the boys are obviously not on "their" turf, and don't really understand when we're going home or why we can't just go now.
Carter asks about Cory several times a day and cries when we talk about him
No one's going to bed on time, or even remotely on time.
No one has any semblance of a schedule.
We've been eating a diet full of starches, fast food and watching hours of American TV a day.
Carter's behavior has been out of control and therefore, so has my temper.
I've been simultaneously reading two books since we've been here, hoping to make things better between the two of us.
Right now, Carter and I are at a crossroads, and neither of us are backing down.
I've even identified the problems Carter and I are having. The main one being both of us feeding into the "Coercive Process with a negative reinforcement trap" Which is really just a fancy way of saying we're feeding off of each other's negativity and both of our tempers and behavior is getting out of control because of it. I know what I need to do, but because Carter and I spend the day at battle. I am too tired to change or enforce anything.
After weeks of sleepless nights, a broken nose, a broken toe, out of control hormones, and a horrible diet my mindset is obviously not at its best, but I've got to pull both of us out of this.
This isn't Carter's fault. He's two for goodness sake. I'm the adult and I've got to start acting like it.
Instead of having yelling matches. (because that's really mature isn't it?)
One of the worst parts is that I feel like my parents will never have faith in me as a mother. They are watching this downward spiral between Carter and me everyday and can tell I'm frazzled and worn out. They can tell that I CAN'T HACK IT.
I DON'T HAVE THE CHOPS.
9 comments:
I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself. What you are doing is HARD. I shudder to think of having Shane in the situation you're in. Of course I have my two cents worth of advice, not that you asked: It's not the time to change things up; just ride out the rest of your trip the best you can. And stop reading those books until you get back! You'll just make yourself feel bad. And you're supposed to be having fun!
oh, wait, I have better advice! I don't know what I was thinking. You should just ask yourself, 'What would Dooce do?'!
I'm with Anna. It's so hard. With Robert gone all week, Emma cries for him all the time. It's so painful to watch! The John Rosemond book's not bad. It will at least remind you that you are in charge. :0) Buck up, Little Camper.
Thanks gals, miss y'all both!
Think about how strong you were, taking care of Carter and the house all by yourself while Cory was gone! You were amazing! Your life is just really out of whack right now, everything will get better when you are back at home and can get into a routine. And if all else fails, me you and Sarah and just run away back to the W and go to college again!
Well, I couldn't have done it without you Debo! And believe me, that sounds more than attractive at times!!
I have way more faith in you as a Mother than I did in myself being a Father, and I am amazed at what you have done and do, so maybe I didn't do so bad after all. Sure you get frazzled and worn out, but that is from you doing it. I get frazzled and worn out watching. You can hack it and pound for pound you have more "chops" that anyone I have ever seen.
I think you're an awesome mom. Always have. You always amaze me with how well you handle things and how strong you are. Things will get better when we all get together, and when we get back to Osan. Stay patient, remember he's just two, he doesn't really understand, and he's as frustrated as you are with the situation... just talk to him like the big kid he is - I think it makes him feel better (more secure). And remember, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH! If it's any consolation... I'm taking care of a dog that hasn't stopped moaning since I got home...it's a little frustrating ;)
I'm there with you sister. For the last two months I've spent dealing with Charlie's tantrums in my parents house (holding his door shut from the other sides at times to show my "control of the situation").
I can promise you that as soon as you get back to your house, it'll improve. I was actually shocked at how much it improved. Hang in there a bit longer and you'll be okay.
Hugs, hugs, hugs, because I know exactly what you're feeling (I spent a few nights crying on the bathroom floor at my folks house)
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