Sometimes I sing that Michael W. Smith song "My Place in this World" in my head, wondering if I'll ever find mine.
I'm not saying I don't have a wonderful life. I've produced 1 1/2 beautiful children, I have a fantastic husband, I have everything I need to live not only a livable life, but a comfortable one. I'm extremely lucky.
Sometimes though, I feel like I'm so caught up in this Air Force wife and motherhood role that I don't know who I am. I'm [insert call sign here]'s wife, I'm Carter's mother, I'm "that little pregnant blond over there". And while I'm thrilled to be blessed with a wonderful family so young I think that it's hard to unravel your own identity while you're following someone else's.
I think it's hard for any military wife or stay at home mom to keep their identity. It's something I'm pretty sure you have to work at. But, what else do I have that distinguishes me? I don't even have a college degree. I can't even be labeled as a teacher, or a nurse, or an engineer, or a clown for that matter. Sometimes it's really hard for me to be a part of conversations in 'the bar' about work or what you did before you had kids. I was a highschooler, a college student for one year and then a year later I was a wife. Which is great. I love being a wife, but I don't feel like that's my identity.
I want to be something that only I can be. I want to have my own 'specialty'. Everyone that I'm friends with is 'a wife' over 50% of my friends are 'a mom', but then they have their own identifier.
I always thought it was so neat how people from both sides of the family would/could call my mom at all hours of the day (and night) to ask for medical advice. One day I want people to call me for advice, not just give it, for whatever I decide to do. I want people to think that I know what I'm doing for once that I didn't just learn everything I know from trial and error. I want people to know I'm smart too, and that I can contribute great things to this world (other than children). I think it's easy for people to unknowingly talk down to me since I'm the youngest on mine and Cory's side of the family. I know I'm the youngest, but that doesn't mean that I don't know anything.
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I know you have a lot going on right and its okay to feel like you were when you wrote that, but remember you have made your mark in more places and ways that you think. You have traveled and danced all over TX and sung in places all over Europe. You led a 5A band in TX. You have done things for your friends and other people that they will never forget. And don't under rate blessing the world with smart, beautiful children. You are the best mark I will ever leave on this world, and you are just getting started. I am extremely proud of the little girl I raised and the young women you have become.You should be proud of what you have accomplished and the person you are.
And remember you sang on the Today Show and on stage with Willie Nelson.
Don't get me wrong, I am VERY proud of who I am. I just don't always know who that is...and what I will be in the years to come.
I love you daddy.
Okay, you know I just have to weigh in... Lauren you are a very complex person. You aren't going to fit into a single mold. So you are a wife and mother, an accomplished artist of music and dance as well as a very entertaining writer. You are the only person I know who is prepared to be you. Don't measure yourself against your peers because it will only embarrass them in the end. There are few people who would dare to dream that they could do half of what you have done and that is why you and Cory are a good partnership as well as being happily wed. Remember that you aren't responsible for the thoughts of others and if they misjudge you, it is surely their loss. Anyway, you are you because anyone else would fail at it miserably. I admire what you are doing, and remember that this tour will end and things will gain a semblance of normalcy. Right now, you are struggling with the fact that life is ALL ABOUT THE AIR FORCE and your connection is through Cory as he is the member. But, just like 9:15 on Tuesday is a small part of the week, your time overseas is going to be a smaller part of your life as you grow. The time will come when you reach my age that you will be very happy to have your children grown and watch them venture into life with the same questions you have now. At that time, you will be Mom, Wife, Boss, Doctor, Maestro, Superstar, etc. On top of that, you will always be one of my favorite people ever.
Im not sure if we are supposed to know exactly who we are. You are constantly changing and becoming a better version of yourself. Im pretty sure that is just part of growing up. As far as people calling you for advise you are usually the first person i call for most things, and i would deffinatly call you everyday with questions if i could remember all 400 digits in your phone number and it didnt cost $4,000 a minute : ) But believe me if i ever make it to the point in my life where i get married or have a baby you will wish i didnt call you as much for advise!
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