After I had Carter I found myself feeling so embarrassed and guilty about the way I had treated my parents, especially in my teenage years. I yelled at them, I lied to them, I even told them I hated them. I couldn't understand why I had the rules I did and why 'everyone else got to do it'. I didn't understand why my parents were nervous to send me to Los Angeles for 2 weeks when I was 17. I couldn't understand why they didn't just trust me. (And believe me, they were right most of the time NOT to!) But for some reason I still expected them to? Probably because I thought I was being so sly, that there was no way they actually knew what I was up to. Ha!
Even though sometimes I'm ready to sell Carter to the gypsies, I can't resist that cute face and that innocent smile. I kiss him probably 100 times a day and tell him I love him when he's throwing a fit. I'm scared to death that one day he's going to make his own choices, he's going to grow up and not listen. He may even partake in underage drinking and sneak around with girls I don't think are 'appropriate'.
When I think about all of these things I feel so helpless! All I can do is try my hardest to raise him with morals, and a love for God and self respect. But sometimes, that's not always good enough. Sometimes as a parent our best isn't good enough!
We have to realize that they turn into separate human beings! With their own opinions! And sometimes we're not the biggest influence in their lives! And thinking about that almost makes me sick.
And it's utterly amazing that we can't understand that fear, and that love our parents have for us. We can't understand that they really do want to make our lives easier than theirs were. We can't understand how HARD it is to raise kids, we can't understand how trying we can be as kids and teenagers! We just can't grasp it until we're parents ourselves.
So Mama and Daddy: I love you and thank you for wiping my butt, and kissing my scraped knees, and staying up for days at a time when I was sick. Thank you for loving me and giving me rules, and trying your hardest to make me understand that you really loved me and everything you did was because you loved me.
And Carter: I know it'll be a long time before you understand, but I love you.
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No need to feel embarrassed or guilty. You were being a kid and we were being parents. Even as you were telling us we were ruining your life, etc. we knew that you did still love us. It is hard to loosen the ties and let children spread their wings. It works the same for grandchildren too. Grandparents don’t make the decisions, but we still get to worry about everything. When they learn to ride a bike, you have to let go, knowing that they will scrape a knee or an elbow. It’s hard but that’s life. If you’re too soft, they will not be ready for the world. If you’re too hard, they will be bitter. That line moves back and forth, and is different for some than others. You will however learn where it is with Carter and all future Naddy babies. You have done perfect so far.
I dread, just like I did with you, his first day of school, his first date, his first time taking the car out alone, and other stuff like that. (hopefully these are spread out a little bit) But I will at the same time, as you and Cory will, be proud of those milestones and accomplishments.
Don’t worry about the scraped knees, staying up while you were sick, any of that stuff. I would gladly do it all again. You are a great daughter, with a great husband, and a great son, and I know Baby Naddy coming in Dec. will be also.
Letting them go gets a little easier as they get older, but you will always worry, even when you know they are in the best of hands.
Carter may not be able to say it yet but you can be sure that he does know how much you love him.
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